Egg Noodles!

If you're slow cookin' a roast or something, these are the noodles for you

Playlist: Shakira & Ed Sheeran, (for some reason, don't ask me why)

Grocery List: (this is for a single batch, I recommend double this bitch)

• 2 cups flour

• 2 teaspoons kosher salt

• 3 egg yolks (only yolks)

• 1 egg

• 1/4 cold water

• That's the noodles, you're gonna want to cook these in a broth or something you've slow-cooked all day

What now?

Throw your salt & flour in your trusty KitchenAid mixer with the dough hook, unless your cheap ass still hasn't bought one, then get ready to get swole, and kneed this shit by hand until you look like Hulk Hogan (in peak 90's 'Roids)

Every idiot blogger will tell you 47 different ways to separate the egg yolk, but just do this. Crack those bitches into a bowl, and lightly scoop them out with your bare fingers, roll the yolk side to side & the white will fall away. You can roll that bitch back & forth between the cracked shells and bust a yolk all you want, but my method is the best.

That aside, once you get your 3 yolks + 1 whole egg, add 1/4 cup water and start mixin'. The dough should be slightly tacky, but not sticky. It should come clean off your fingers (don't. . . . don't put your fingers in a running KitchenAid unless. . . ya know what, Stumpy? Go ahead. Enjoy those Finger Flavored noodles. You bowl should be cleanish on the sides when it's done. 'bout 5 minutes if machining, and 20 if by hand. #GetSwole

This space is really narrow, I'm not going to type anything here

Now. . . you gotta roll this shit out! If you are a boujji bitch, spring for the pasta maker & make your life easier, or any sort of pasta roller. . . you can do it the old fashioned way & roll it out on the counter, get it about 1/8 inch thick, and cut 'em thin. Here's what it should look like, you cheap bastard, buy the KitchenAid:

Now. . . hopefully about 4am this morning you started a roast or some shit in a crock pot to be yummying up the whole GawdDamned house all day and you have somewhere to dump these, right? These fresh bastids are going to really soak up any broth you put them in, so you don't want to just waste them in water. I prefer to make a pot roast, using two quarts of beef broth, cook that all day, add these right to the broth. They soak up all the good stuff.

Back it up. . . While your dough is kneading, you should make some taters to go with it. Don't even peel 'em, just call them 'country style' you lazy shit.